Under repair…

images (21)So lately I’ve come to realise a few somethings about myself. It wasn’t a startling realisation by any means, and something that’s been lingering at the edge of my mind for along time, but always just off centre and out of the full line of sight.

And that is..I kinda like who I am. I like that I appreciate the weird things, the different people and quirky habits. I like a lot of things about myself that I never really gave much thought to, or didn’t like when I was younger. I like that I don’t always ‘fit in’ to clicks, and it doesn’t bother me that I just like the things I like, rather than the latest trends. I like that I can talk to people, and that people can talk openly to me without feeling  judged. I like that I have a vast array of ‘different’ friends and acquaintances, that for the most part mesh with each other. I like that I have both male and female friends, and a few solid friendships that have endured the test of time.
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However, there were a few things that I didn’t like, so, as previously mentioned, I figured it was time to fix them. The first and main one, being the shell that holds who I am. I say it that way, because it’s not so much about the way I ‘look’ as the way I feel about that. Over the past few years I stopped paying so much attention to my fitness level and waistline. I was just content doing other things, and stopped doing the maintenance I should have been, to stay the way I wanted be. It somehow didn’t seem as important any more. But…now it does, more than ever.

Things in this regard started going pear shaped (quite literally) when my primary mode of transport changed from feet to two wheels, then worsened when I got 4 wheels and a live-in chauffer. The second hit came when I started working from home, negating the basic need to leave my desk/studio for anything other than coffee. All up, a bad combination for physical fitness.
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Over the past weeks that has started to change. A lot. I am paying a lot more attention to what and when I am eating, making the time to include a combination workout of some sort into my routine without fail and drinking the dreaded H2O. The amazing thing about it is…I think it’s working. Who knew?
At the end of this week I am starting a 2 week detox, just to try and get everything working the way it should be, and optimize any possible result from all of the other stuff I am doing too. I don’t normally try ‘fad’ things, but all the reviews for this one look good (and actually real). So I’m thinking that even if it isn’t the be all and end all for my body, it will be positive for my mind.

I want to feel good about myself again. I want the confidence that I used to have back. I want to walk out the door wearing whatever the hell I want, instead of feeling like I have to hide my physical flaws. I want to be able to feel worthy of walking into a room at someone’s arm. I want more energy. I want my flexibility back. I want to feel attractive in a pair of jeans and hoody, in a short skirt, or without a stitch on. So I’m working on it… go me!
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The second one is a spin-off from the first I guess. It’s about just being ‘more’ me. A bigger part of who I was, centred on independence and confidence, and along the way I lost some of that. I spent three years hating myself for something I lost, another year trying to figure out what it was I really wanted, and then 7 years being a part of a conjoined life, where I restricted myself from doing some of things I loved. Over the past 12 months I have been so worried and caught up in everyone else and everything happening around me, that I didn’t stop to take the time-out to just breathe and be. So now I am.

Yes, sure, life as it was ended, but in retrospect I just didn’t stop and let that sink in as much as I should have. I was so focused on something new starting, that I didn’t take everything into account. All I wanted was to just run far away and start all over again.
I guess I should be thankful that some people don’t share my misguided spontaneity and impatience.

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In short, I have started taking care of myself, painting, riding motorcycles, meeting friends-old and new, actually enjoying just being alone every now and then. I’m spending time with my fur-girls, catching up on movies I haven’t seen, and a few that I have seen more times than I could count. I’m renewing my enthusiasm for my business and looking at new ideas that will get things rolling again too.

I’m just trying to maintain a healthy level of motivation in all aspects of life to balance things.
Trying to stay patient. There are better days ahead, and things to ‘fix’ the other broken parts.
Trying to stay positive. All the little things make a big difference.
Trying to stay understanding. Because unexpected things happen.
Trying to stay calm. As much as possible.
Trying…

And the aim of all this? Well… it isn’t to be alone, or even to want to be, but to be able to be at peace with it while I am.  To be content with being my own company for a while.
Now if I can just manage to start getting some sleep at any time soon?…that would be a bonus.

‘Til the next time Kids.
XX-V

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