Downsizing to upsize

So, here’s my positive happy-joy thing for the day. I ordered a few things to wear a while ago on-line as a ‘treat’ incentive to keep working at getting back in shape. I went all out on the optimism and bought a size too small, knowing that I couldn’t wear them if I didn’t work hard enough to  errmm…*shrink* a little. I forgot all about them, but they turned up yesterday. Thinking it would push me extra hard to keep going, I decided to try them on and be disappointed when they didn’t fit…BUT they did! Yay me! Now the aim is to keep going and make them look even better 😉
PicMonkey Collage

A lot of people have said flattering things to me lately, and I figured I owed it to myself to be deserving of the things said. It’s not about feeling worthy of someone else or their opinion, but to feel like the compliments are justified to myself. You see, I had just got to this point over the past few years where I wasn’t looking at myself the way I should have been. I mean really looking…paying attention. Yes…paying attention to myself. To what I wanted to look like, to feel like and to want. I let myself get to a point where my self esteem was lower than I even realised, and I had stopped doing some of the things that make me…Me.
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So I have started a few things, seriously. I have started working out properly, with on and off gym days, and at home. I have started consciously watching what I am eating and drinking (anyone who knows me, knows that when I include water in my diet, it means I’m serious). I have started writing priority lists of things that need to be done in the days, and also ‘giving myself’ time to indulge in hobbies and downtime at nights.
I went and got a new tattoo. I have wanted this one for a while, and it felt right, as did the timing. It, like all my others,  is something I love and believe in undoubtedly. Your past, while it does change your character, shouldn’t define or determine your future.
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I have given myself permission to have crap days and good days, and feel bad about the things that aren’t good, but also to feel positive about things that are. Permission to make my own choices and decisions for my life. Permission to listen to advice without taking it. Permission to hope, and hold onto the things I love without guilt. Permission to let go of past hurts and look forward.
Also, I’m working on that patience thing that everyone calls a virtue? Because some of the best things just take time and understanding, whether you want them to or not.

It hasn’t been very long, but I’m starting to see the right kind of results. I’m waking up (when I actually sleep) feeling better about the day ahead, better about the way I look (slowly), and better about the things ahead of me. I’m finding hope and brightness in making some plans and looking forward to them. I’m finding inspiration in necessity, like cramming for a test. Except the test is the rest of my life, and I want the result to be A+.
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I hope you all have days where you wake up and feel like things will get better. Because this is what we have, the ‘here and now’, as dark and complicated as it might seem.
We all owe it to ourselves to enjoy life and give ourselves hope for the future. We owe it to ourselves to be honest and not give up on the things we love and want. We owe it to ourselves not to just exist, but to live.

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XX-V

 

 

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