I used to think I was pretty switched on to things, sharp enough to protect myself, but everything that has happened in the last year has left me at a loss. I sit here quietly wondering exactly at what point I fucked up so badly, and lost track. So many questions.
I’ve spent the last two weeks searching. Searching for answers. Searching for truth. Searching for direction. Searching for purpose.
A lot of these seemed so elusive to start with. Some still are. I realised some always will be, because they are probably not mine to know. Not my truth, not my answers. Everyone has their own. But this is as far as I have gotten…
I asked someone “Why?” Why would one person do something so crushing to another? Maybe not understanding just how much…but still knowing it would hurt irreparably. Why? The forthcoming answer could be condensed down to the following…
‘As people, we expect others to act as we do. We expect people to be nice, to be good. But some people are neither nice nor good, and the ones that are, do not have the capacity to understand why not.’
Now, don’t get it wrong, I don’t consider myself to be a ‘good’ person, but there are some traits in humanss that I just don’t ‘get’. Along with animal cruelty, this is apparently one of them.
I keep asking myself how I could be so blind, so totally taken with someone, to open up and let them so deeply into ‘myself’, and just not ‘see’ they didn’t care? It wasn’t just the words. I’m talking about looking into someone’s eyes and just knowing that something feels right. So, I’m not a trusting person at best, but this…this seemed so real…right up until the point where it wasn’t. So fucking convincingly real.
It was explained to me quite brutally, that the real reason someone would give up on you for something else, was that the thought of how it would feel to lose that thing, was more painful than the thought of how it would feel to lose you.
The really hurtful part that hits after you find out that it was not in fact what you believed…that you were not important enough, doesn’t fully sink in straight away, because you are still left with so many questions. Your head spins trying to process what has happened, and the sad truth is, you will never really know or understand. Even sadder, is the fact that you are left wondering which, if any, part of it was real at all.
Trying to pick up the pieces tries to work it’s way in next, very slowly, and the next avalanche of questions hit you. What now? Where now? …and how? Breathe…just breathe. Take the time to breathe, and then figure out what comes next…
So after much internal deliberation, I needed to start with fixing a few things, in order to try and fix myself. I thought about things in my life that should be prioritised, material, physical and emotional, and concentrated on progressing with them. I confronted the few truths I had in front of me…and shared a few with people who deserved to know the truth.
All I can say here, is that very few people surprise me…but in doing this, I found that a few still have a small capacity to. And it felt good…taking that risk. Embracing and explaining the truth, at the risk of a bad outcome for myself, and nothing to gain, it felt good.
I know a new journey has to begin soon, once I can find the strength from somewhere, to engage in anything other than self destruction. One to figure out who I am now and what I want, where I want to go and to do what. I have parts of that sorted, but others escape me completely. My thoughts, that useless tiny strand of meaningless hope (for what, I don’t know) still stops me from letting go and figuring it all out. It’s another why?…
It’s going to take some time to work it all out, but that’s what it feels like I currently have plenty of. I just know I don’t want to waste any more of it. I have plans on the horizon, some of which I am looking forward to, some that will test me…so, not so much. But after lingering dangerously close for a while, to not requiring any future plans…they are a positive. And that’s all I know.