Just… No.

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When bad things happen, people always come forward to tell you things, mostly out of good intention, but usually because they are the ‘expected’ things to say. The cache of cliches fall thick and fast, until you are drowning in them. They don’t know what else to say, how to help or make you feel better. They can see you hurting and the words they really mean escape them. I may be different, in that I believe in being honest at all cost. It has indeed cost me friends, and other things at times, but I am a strong believer in not sugar-coating the facts for the sake of ignorant peace.

“I hope the ‘next life’ will be kinder…”
No. This is just a comforting fall-back to hold onto. This is the life we have. Now. If there is a ‘next life’ (which is the most uncertain thing ever) we will not be who we are now, and we will not have what we have now. We would make different decisions that lead us to different places. We would live it differently.
The paths of life lead us to the point we are at for a reason. Paths intertwine and dissect and whether by fate, magnetism or something else, people part and reconnect. Some just find it easier to ignore or deny what is clearly placed in front of us. Sometimes it is easier to find reasons or excuses to stay on the path straight ahead, instead of daring to branch off to find happiness in the unknown. But…some things are true whether you believe them or not.
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“If you love something set it free”.
But this has a second part right? “If it returns it is yours, if it doesn’t it was never meant to be”. How about if it returns multiple times, but can’t accept/resists the plan the universe has set out? Should you keep your heart open to love or embrace something that can’t accept love? Should you risk destroying yourself for the sake of another, or let them destroy you? Once again a resounding  No.
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“I love you, but we can’t be together because…”
No. Real love is not a decision, it is barely even just a feeling. It is an uncontrolled desire, a need, a drive, an overwhelming want. True love is an all consuming entity inside you, that makes nothing else matter. It is the stuff that people live and die for, Romeo & Juliet style. It can’t be turned off and on with a switch or a word. You can’t just walk away from it. You know it when you feel it unmistakably. It doesn’t care for the opinions of others or matters of geography. It just is.
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“If you won’t fight for what you want, don’t complain about what you lose”
No. And this one is simple…If you weren’t willing to fight for it with everything you have, then you didn’t want it in the first place. Maybe you thought you did, a fleeting romanticised notion, but your actions reflect what you really want…not your words.
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“You are worth so much more than that”
No. I am not. Before you cast this judgement, you must know me, and the only person that does is me. I am flawed, broken and I have an inglorious past, known entirely only to me, and in part to only one other. I am emotional, irrational, questionably human and possibly slightly insane. I am a very special blend of all fucked up…the same as everyone else. I can see people’s flaws, but can love them regardless for who they are. I am not better than anyone or worth more. It is not about being ‘worth’ more or less. It is about the truth of who we are and what we see in ourselves and others.
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“We don’t deal in I told you so’s here…they’ll come later”
No. Nobody has to ‘tell you so’, because the truth is…we already know. In any situation, deep down, we know the truth. The good truth, the bad truth, the truth of what will or won’t happen, all of it. It’s called intuition. In essence, the only difference is how quickly and willing we are to either act on it, against it…or give up on the fairy-tale, and accept it.
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“Time heals all wounds”
No….it doesn’t. It really doesn’t. Nada. Your wounds stay with you, even make up a part of who you are. They may form scar tissue, but they never heal. Much like you can feel a surface scar when the temperatures drop, when it gets cold on the inside, they hurt more too. Sometimes when you least expect it, but more commonly..all of the time.
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“You’re stronger than this…”
No. I’m not. I have been as strong as I can be, when facing all the trials in my life, but this time doesn’t require strength. You can’t ‘stay strong’ over matters of the heart. It’s a stubborn bitch, and it wants what it wants. It can’t be ignored, or fooled by strength, any more than the sun will stop rising. There is no cure, no fix, no solution. The most we can hope for is a distraction.
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“Be kind to yourself”
No. Nobody gets to say it, and I don’t deserve it. I have been reckless with my own heart, made stupid decisions, been too trusting. I have put myself back to square one, after going full circle and further. Kind is no longer an option. I will deal myself all the committed pain I can…but to be a better being. I will physically smash my body until it hurts as badly as everything else does, until I can find a reason to smile again…even if that smile is not real. Fuck kind.
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“Things will seem better tomorrow”
No. They don’t. Much in the same vein as ‘time heals all wounds’, tomorrow is just another day of the same pain. You don’t look forward to it, or even want to reach it some days. Sure, it gets easier to deal with the pain, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. It’s just another day of more…
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“There are plenty of people out there who will treat you better”
No. Don’t we all just love to hear the old ‘fish in the sea‘ speech? This was my fish. I don’t want any other fish. I have always wanted this fish. I will always want this fish.
I don’t need to be ‘set up’ with your friend,  dating sites, meaningless sex, anyone else…Just stop right there.
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“We learn from our mistakes”
No. I would almost believe this one, but the problem lies in…What…do we learn from them? To not do it again?…no. To protect yourself better?…no. Sure, we learn some things, but the important things seem to escape us completely. Our emotions overcome the lessons learned and we tell ourselves that ‘this time’ things will be different. Sometimes all we learn is that we were willing to make the same mistake again. And even accept the sad truth that, after everything, we would do it again if given the chance…
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And last but not least is my all-time favourite…the most inexperienced, naive, thoughtless thing someone could possibly say…
“Just forget about it”
No. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, it’s not simple, easy or possible. Anyone who really understood absolutely anything about me, and the type A way in which my brain works…would not have even attempted to utter these words to me. I can’t fathom how it would even be possible to forget something, let alone something that made such a big impact on your life. It would be like telling a paraplegic to just stand up and ‘forget the accident happened’. While you can not physically see the scars, they are still there…but so are the memories, the feelings, the love, the nostalgic moment you get lost in. Your brain doesn’t let you forget anything, combined with the world you live in…scents, music, places, times, dreams. Forgetting is not an option I can choose. From the moment it started, I wasn’t given any choice.

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I will not tell you I am okay. I am not. I am far from it. But I can tell you, that worrying for me will not help. Bombarding me with cliched empathy will not help. Telling me what and how to think or feel will not help.
I will deal with things the only ways I know how to. My own way. I will be angry and hurt and upset. I will talk to a select few people. I will get drunk and hurt and bleed when nobody is around. I will put on a brave face to most, and say everything is okay, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. I will cry as I pack up all the memories left here into a box marked ‘do not open’, because I know I will want to open it.
I have no regrets that I feel this way. It is honest, real hurt. I have no regrets how it came to be. It is honest real love. I don’t regret what happened.
All I regret is that it ended.

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Until whenever kids
XX-V

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