Today I learned something. I don’t know how or what triggered the process, but after sitting quietly alone in my kitchen at 4am with a pencil and paper…I learned it. I made a decision of the two choices in front of me…to either follow through with dark thorough musings of finality or to be here.
Today the choice was to be here, and if I am to be here, I don’t want simply to exist. I want everything. I want the fucking fairy-tale ending, and if I can’t have that just yet, then I want the simple joy of being free and happy. I want puppies running amok in my house. I want midnight slushy runs. I want parties until 3am in the morning. I want coffee drop-ins. I want movie marathons. I want loud music-LOUD. I want to learn new things. I want anything I’ve missed out on in the past. I want to eat what I want, when I want. I want to workout to feel better, and better about myself. I want to meet new people. I want to excel at the things I love. I want all of this and so much more. I want whatever happens next…
I’m totally sick of thinking about what was, what happened, what used to be. I want to focus on what will be, what will happen, what I can do. I want to go forward without thinking about anything other than that is the direction I need to be headed in.
While there are still things that need to be settled, finalised and finished…that’s all just details. The physical, material side of it all. It doesn’t need the huge emotional investment, any more than choosing which milk to buy does. Focusing so much emotional energy on things that don’t require it, is just exhausting. If it’s over, leave it behind and let it be over. If there’s nothing you can do to change a situation, accept that for what it is and put yourself in a different situation. I’m making myself a priority, even if it’s if only my own. And one day…I may be someone else’s too.
But this day…this day is mine.
Of course this doesn’t mean that there aren’t still a myriad of things happening in the background. There are. It just means that I have made the conscious decision to deal with them differently from here forward. Instead of letting them dictate the mood of a day, the realisation that, for the time being, there is nothing I can do to change them, is hopefully enough to make them a secondary thought, rather than a determining factor. I need to take my finger off the pause button.
Tomorrow will come along and who knows what will happen? Things may be totally different then…or in weeks..or months. So for now, I am looking forward. To what?…I have no idea…and that in itself is pretty cool right? 😉
Goodnight Vamps…don’t let the Zimperumapazoos bite…