The C word

Children. To have or not to have.

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When I was a girl, I always said that if I ever had them, it would be a case of ‘have them early and live later, or have them later and live first’

Now, while some of you will argue that children are an important part OF living, or that life cannot be lived fully until you know the joy of having ‘mini-me’s’ around your feet, it is not really a point open for argument. It was just how I saw life as it lay ahead.

I grew up fast, living with just my widowed Father and Brother, and learned to fend for myself. I partied a lot, learned a lot of life lessons, experienced both joy and heartbreak many times over, but never did find that right person that made me want to settle down and start a new life, other than the single one I was living.

Now I am at the point where, having them early, is no longer an option, I have found my ‘Mr Right’ (Chili) and we are left with the decision of whether to have them at all.

When I skipped down that aisle nearly 4 years ago and entered into the contract of ’til death do us part’ we were asked the obligatory “So when are you having children?” no more than a second after the “I do’s” were exchanged.
A few years down the track, and we are getting mixed replies from friends and family. some say we should, some say we shouldn’t (throat-cutting gesture inserted here), some say they didn’t ever think we would. I am inclined to agree with the latter.

Here are my reasons and the thoughts that justify them to me. While some may say selfish, I believe they are sound.

No.1: I am NOT a morning person. Some of my friends can put a hand on the Bible and swear to this whole-heartedly. If I am woken premature to my alarm, it has been likened to the very same reaction of a cranky bear roused from mid-Winter hibernation, claws and teeth included. I suffer from insomnia as it is, imagine my morning mood intensified ten-fold after being woken constantly by a baby at irregular intervals during that night?

No.2: I like my freedom. I ride motorcycles, drive old cars, run my own business, foster dogs, dance around the house to loud music in my underwear, answer my phone when it suits me, make my own appointments and generally do things when it suits me. It is an important part of who I am.

No.3: Travel. I have seen nowhere near enough of the world at 35, that I want to. I want to go back to the U.S, England, Scotland, Ireland, Hawaii, the rest of Australia and wherever else plans take us in the future.

No.4: Did I mention I am NOT a morning person? Just making sure.

No.5: I cannot relate. While some people see a baby and turn to mush or can start a conversation with a child, I am not one of those people. Children make a little uncomfortable to be honest. I don’t know how to treat them, what to say to them and it is not correct in this day and age, to touch them. They scream, make noise, ignore authority and just annoy me generally. Not all, but most.

These are the important ones to me. And while you can surely still travel with a babe in arms, run a business for the most part and work a child into a sleep routine, I don’t WANT to.
Sound selfish? I definitely think it will to some, but not to me. What I think would be worse, is bringing a child into the world, just because it is the ‘thing to do’. You know the drill, find someone, get married, have kids-picket fence blah blah.

I feel that if you want to have a baby, you just know. It is a built in maternal instinct thing, but I have no burning desire to have a child, no sense of incompletion would stir if life were to roll along the way it is, nappy-less.
As my husband and I discussed all of these reasons at length, we realised something even more important than any of the reasons we shouldn’t have a child. We couldn’t find too many reasons we should have one.
Perhaps only to prove to the world, that a child can still be raised to be a decent respectful human being in this day and age (but that’s another Blog altogether) is a good one, but I need more than that.
If I do something, I need to be fully invested in it, and I’m not feeling it.

Now, I don’t want judgement, but I am curious to what you all think. Do you have kids? Was it ‘the best thing that ever happened’ to you or if you had it all to do over, would things be different?

Cheers

V

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10 thoughts on “The C word

  1. Mishelle says:

    I think it’s great that you have given it a lot of thought and then made a decision rather than just let parenthood pass you by and then go – oops we probably should have thought about it. Or had a baby and regretted it.
    Tomas was an awesome sleeper but Emily is still waking, won’t go to Matt, won’t let me out of her sight, screams if she can’t see me, and simply leaves me exhausted. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. We cant travel but that is because Monty can’t be away from Matt.
    Matt loves having a mini-me (him).
    Just glad you have given children a lot of thought and discussion and then made a decision.

    • vampresskat says:

      Thanks Mishelle, while I am proud to have the squidlets for a niece and nephew, it seemed to be the only decision we arrived at repeatedly. Needless to say, Dad is disappointed.

  2. Rebecca Hill says:

    I think most of your reasons are valid. Except for the ‘morning person’ and ‘I can’t relate’. You’ve probably heard it before but there is a mummy switch that turns on and you just go into survival mode. Having said that of course, to operate in this so called mummy survival mode you must sacrifice your figure, your brain and your sanity. Your most valid reason is that you like to do all those things you mentioned and most of all, you don’t want a child. Which is a good reason. In fact a great reason. I suspect a lot of people have children because it is what’s expected, not really thinking how much a child changes your life. Because it does, more than you would ever guess. So please don’t listen to the critics, listen to your heart. And ROCK ON GIRL!!! So I can live vicariously through you while I slowly disappear into the oblivion of motherhood!

  3. vampresskat says:

    Thanks Bec 🙂 I have heard many times over, that things do just change once you have the baby, but not a leap I am ready to make. That, and medical reasons say that our chances could be slim if we wanted to anyway, maybe a sign?
    XX-V

  4. Mac says:

    Have two wonderful step-daughters but never had the urge to create my own. Wouldn’t trade the child rearing experience for anything, but I have many women friends who decided not to have kids and are just as happy as those who did.

    If spending time with the dogs and Chili is what makes both you happy, that’s all that matters. Yeah, maybe it’s selfish, but the world can be a hard place and if you find an easy spot you can be forgiven for wanting to come back to it when the day is over.

    • vampresskat says:

      Thanks Mac. We have both been in the position of raising other people’s children also, in former relationships. Possibly another factor in just wanting to spend our time with each other now.

  5. Nikkie says:

    I love my rodents (and yes, you know they are!) but I know I’m not best mummy in the world, like they deserve. You know my feelings on the topic *insert screaming ‘Don’t Do It!!’ here* – but I’d be lost without them. You don’t need children to validate yourself as a person. You should be able to validate yourself in the person you are every day of your life by living your life by your rules!
    Children aren’t just the critters that come from your hoo-haa, but the ones that also come from your heart. You are the best mummy in the world! Your fur-babies adore you, and are better behaved than probably 90% of human babies I know (including my own – who still won’t lick their lips on command, like someone else I know).

    End of tirade. 🙂

  6. vampresskat says:

    Thanks 🙂 Like any children, mine still are selective as to what they do when told, but that one always has me stumped. How he knows what I’m saying gets me every time?

  7. Laura ram says:

    I have 2 kids!! Had my 1st at 23, my dream was to have 4!! But giving all your reasons above 2 is enough!! It’s really hard!! I love them so much and can’t imagine life without them now but yes life really changes and I really worry about their future in this unstable world!!! I respect your choice and honesty!!
    BUT I must also add to that u just may change your mind…..

    Oh and I LOVE your passion for animals!! Thanks for loving the innocent!!! ❤

  8. vampresskat says:

    Thanks for stopping by Laura 🙂 I appreciate that you took the time to share. I haven’t totally ruled out having a baby 101%, but when medical complications came up a short while back and they said my chances would be slim anyway, I wasn’t heartbroken. (On the other hand they offered the choice of a hysterectomy, which I also declined) 😉

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